I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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