I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
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he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
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Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
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As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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