I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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