we have officially lost it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
