dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
