I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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