Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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