He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
