drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
