I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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