she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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