Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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