She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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