she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
