Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
if only i could text you this smell
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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