YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
