Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
