i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
