clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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