see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
