she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
