I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
These tits shall not be calmed
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
