I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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