hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
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i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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