Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
