im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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