Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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