I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
