I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
