Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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