why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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