I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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