I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Who died my cat blue again?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
