How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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