Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
