So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
