He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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