I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
