He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
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Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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