Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
