Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
