You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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