Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?