somebody snuck up and got me drunk
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
you had me at cake vodka
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.