I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
