the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
