Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
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