she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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