He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
