my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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