I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
