I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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