I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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