Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
