Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?