my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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