This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
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There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
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